| Author | Message | ||
| Teresa White
Intermediate Member Username: teresa_white Post Number: 458 Registered: 01-2005 |
The Favorite Child You bent over too many sinks, went out into the world to work as a waitress, a disk jockey when Father left you to care for four children. I ran home from school each day to listen to you on the radio. You didn’t play Elvis but got to meet Louis Armstrong. I rubbed your back, your feet and cooked you eggs—you’d go days without eating. The night you took three hundred aspirin after a failed love affair, you called out for me— I fed you chunks of fresh pineapple, held glass after glass of water to your lips. A tin pail clanked beside the bed as I whimpered “Momma, why?” You didn’t die that night but years later when I was least expecting it, thousands of miles apart, unable to do anything to save your life. | ||
| Carol Sanger
New member Username: carolsang Post Number: 7 Registered: 01-2006 |
Oh my, powerful images here. I wonder about the age of the child, but find no clues except running home from school & cutting up a pineapple. She could be 6 or 16. First stanza, would you be willing to drop "to care for"? By speeding up the line a bit, it adds impact. "Momma, why?" can refer to Why did the father leave? Why do you live so close to the edge? Why the narrators siblings? (where are they?) And presaging the future, why didn't Momma call the narrator at the end? If you end the stanza on this line, it might call these forward faster. From the 2 examples in the poem, it seems that Momma is "saved" by the child feeding her. The imagery associated with the gift of life through food might be extended through the last line for good effect. Potent subject. Good luck with it. Carol | ||
| Dorothy Doyle Mienko
Advanced Member Username: dorothea Post Number: 46 Registered: 04-2003 |
hi theresa, I think this is very well done but I would love to see more showing in a poem I am an image freak big time so how you end the poem comes unexpected and always I love a surprise I enjoyed reading your poem<: | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 1700 Registered: 11-2004 |
Teresa~ Haunting and filled with wonderful details... pineapple and Louie Armstrong. Also, this mirrors my childhood in an amazingly accurate way. Gave me chills of familiarity. Thank you. take care~dale | ||
| M. Kathryn Black
Senior Member Username: kathryn Post Number: 2964 Registered: 09-2002 |
Teresa, on reading this several times I found nothing wrong with it at all. For the subject it is rather sparse. The tin pail is a powerful image. I liked how you ended this. Best, Kathryn | ||
| Karen L Monahan
Intermediate Member Username: klhmonahan Post Number: 536 Registered: 08-2004 |
Teresa, Very lovely voice. Very lovely child. (((smile))) Karen | ||
| ~M~
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 6330 Registered: 11-1998 |
The title on this one kind of threw me at first, Teresa. I was expecting this to be about the child, not the mother. And so I read it almost to the end with a child in my head, perhaps the oldest child left to tend the other siblings, until I got to the Momma part and realized my error. Perhaps a different title that wouldn't lead the reader down the wrong path? There is only one small change other than the title that I would suggest. It concerns the last line: "unable to do anything to save your life." I think you could say "unable to do anything to save you" and it would feel more personal. I love the very real feeling of this poem. I imagine it happens this way more times than we care to admit. Very human, very easy to relate to. | ||
| Lazarus
Intermediate Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 770 Registered: 10-2005 |
Hi T! This is a winner of pulling heart strings if ever there was one. Everything so raw and in the telling, a sign that the child is still in place, a reminder of that too much burden on children is not fair, but happens. I think an slight change to the title could be fun: The Favored Child Brings up the idea that the narrator was also leaned on more than should have been. Agree with 'save you.' for the ending, because it was really about what saves the whole being, not just the life. Nice poem. I like realism, so I am pleased. “Something sacred, that's what they want” -Jim Morrison. From the movie “The Doors.” | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 3777 Registered: 07-2002 |
Teresa--that ending stanza is quite unexpected. A real sucker punch. Agree with M's suggestion there. best, ljc Once in a Blue Muse Blog | ||
| Morgan Lafay
Advanced Member Username: morganlafay Post Number: 1267 Registered: 08-2005 |
Teresa, I loved this poem. The ones that touch the heart; they get me every time. So many can relate to the child having to be the parent at times...it happens far too often. Your love shines through. That's what I see. | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Senior Member Username: garyb Post Number: 6280 Registered: 07-2001 |
T, lovely memory. I like L's title change and here as I whimpered “Momma, why?” You didn’t die that night but years later when I was least expecting it, thousands of miles apart, unable to do anything to save your life. I wonder if the last line might be its own S. Smiles. Gary A River Transformed The Dawg House December Fireweed | ||
| Teresa White
Intermediate Member Username: teresa_white Post Number: 459 Registered: 01-2005 |
So many great responses from each of you; I was a bit reluctant to post this one as it is so very personal --but then many of my poems are. M, I agree with you on a needed title change so as not to mislead the reader. Lazarus, I like your title but it doesn't help clear up the confusion M speaks of. Or... I may rewrite the first stanza a bit so it's clear that I'm talking about the mother and not the child. Excellent suggestion to modify that last line (I will do that). And, Gary, I'll consider that last line as its own stanza. Carol, you bring up many interesting points that I'll try to address in revision. Again, thanks to each one of you for taking the time to read and comment. I'm so happy I found my way to Wild --I know I will always receive good, honest feedback here. My best, Teresa | ||
| Lazarus
Intermediate Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 779 Registered: 10-2005 |
If you change the 'you' in first stanza to Momma or she you could have a fix for the identity prob. I personally didn't miss this, knew it was the child speaking but clarification is always good.. “Something sacred, that's what they want” -Jim Morrison. From the movie “The Doors.” | ||
| Teresa White
Intermediate Member Username: teresa_white Post Number: 461 Registered: 01-2005 |
Thanks, Lazarus. I've done just what you suggest to clear up the identity problem. Best, Teresa | ||
| steve williams
Board Administrator Username: twobyfour Post Number: 293 Registered: 05-2005 |
Hi Teresa as a narrative piece, i understand the past tense, but pls consider doing this in present tense. also in the last stanza, i would take out the line 'when i was least expecting it' other than that, a very nice read, thx for sharing steve | ||
| Teresa White
Intermediate Member Username: teresa_white Post Number: 462 Registered: 01-2005 |
Steve, thanks for responding! I will certainly consider redoing this in present tense --not a problem. Also, I will consider taking out the line you mention in the last stanza. Appreciate the help! Best, Teresa | ||
| KA
Advanced Member Username: kerryann Post Number: 151 Registered: 10-2002 |
This poem makes me think that I probably have a lot of poems stored up about my childhood as well. And here I thought I didn't have anything really interesting to write that involved anything from my childhood. Thank you, Teresa, for making it look easy. | ||
| Teresa White
Intermediate Member Username: teresa_white Post Number: 464 Registered: 01-2005 |
Thanks, Kerry-Ann It's nice to hear my poem makes you think you have lots of poems stored up from your childhood. I draw on mine quite often. Thank you for saying I make it look easy. Best, Teresa |
